Those that know me best know that my taste in entertainment is extremely vast and extensive, if not some times a little dark and dim. I tend to shy away from the romantic, “rom-com”, emotional films. I mostly gravitate towards mystery, thriller, realistic, intense, serious, thought provoking, with a little propensity for Sci Fi thrown in. So it may come as a surprise that one of my favorite Christmas movies is The Holiday. Every year that I find time, independent of the kids while wrapping presents it usually makes the top of my list. I had not gotten to watch it yet this year so as Mark and I sat down finally on Christmas Eve, I couldn’t let the opportunity pass without that movie making the docket. And so we sat. Alone. Together in our living room as the movie played, and I savored. I savored every moment. I wasn’t planning my next move or the next day. I savored everyone moment, every joke, the moments we paused to share a story from the day or the week. I savored the way Adaline joined us as we prepared Santa for the next day. I took in the sweetness of the day we had just had and the one that was to come. And most of all I savored the change. I feel like all we have had lately is change. Some good, some bad, some change coming and some going. And while I like variety and newness I’ll admit it has all felt a bit much.
I was given the most precious gift awhile back by Ghostdad. A weekend away. It was a weekend with some of the most authentic women I have had the opportunity to encounter and we just took time to reflect. On our lives, our relationships, our faith, and ourselves. And one topic that came up during the weekend that I had never thought about and brought me a tremendous amount of pause was the idea of “re-entry”. The discussion came up on how would we all go back to our homes knowing things may have been done different while we were gone and we may be different. So how do we walk back in our homes with a gracious spirit. And as I have reflected, I realize that I have a lot of opportunities for reentry and I don’t always do it well. Whether that coming from work to being back home, or from the hospital back to daily life, re-entry is always present and always an area for improvement. And as I sat watching my sappy Christmas movie, #ghostdad by my side, I thought about a different kind of re-entry. One that I constantly have to reset myself on. And that is re-entry into the present. With all the change we have and are experiencing in our family I tend to spend a lot of time trying to anticipate what I need to “do” in the future or what I should have done to prevent or made the change different in the past. But to focus on the present, well…. that requires me to be vulnerable and that is uncomfortable. You see the interesting thing I find about living in the present is there is a degree to which you are totally out of control there. And I think if we are all honest control feels comfortable even if I do a terrible job at it. When I focus my attention on the past I may not be able to change it, but I can look and examine, and surmise, and figure out what you should have done to make things potentially have a different outcome. I can create an imaginary change there and in turn give myself false sense of control over the past. When I focus on the future, I ponder and muse how something might go and what I should do to direct things the way I would like them to be. Giving again a false idea that the things I can control will control the entire outcome of any situation. But in the present I am moving along with everything. My ability to “do” is resigned to a single moment and action each and every time. I realized while on this retreat that I have spent a lot of my time acting like a runner out on the road who has a false illusion that they can direct and change the road. I have tried to anticipate where it will turn at a bend I can’t see, or worse try to force the road to turn myself. Silly idea right?!
So I realized I had to change my focus. In order to run this crazy race I am on I had to stop focusing on where the road was going or what was behind me, and just follow the road. Running when I need to run, waking when the road is rough and I need to slow down, and following where it leads. Seeing the scenery, being cautious, watching for “cars” but enjoying all the road has to offer and where it is taking me. And so as I sat on my couch that night I realized I have “re entered” into the present of my life. I can not worry about my next to do, or fret about what has or hasn’t been done. I get to be truly present, and see the moments of the evening for what they were. And in the present of the evening I also realized, I have begun to live in the change. And it’s good. It has been a gift I wouldn’t have chosen on my own but I am beginning to see glimmers of what the present has to offer, and I feel like I can breath again. The worry and stress of life even if only for brief moments melt. And so as we move into a new year and a new season, this would be my challenge for everyone. As we watch our world, our families and life changing around us allow yourself the freedom to live in the present. It is so easy right now to be consumed with what feels like inconsolable fear as to what is to come or over what damage has been done, but fear doesn’t drive change. Hope does. Choose in 2021 to live in hope. To relish the present and the hope that can come hope that can come.
Austin, first of all excellent summation and also pretty on cue time wise in your life- mid 30’s, for your ‘be here now’ moment a wise man once wrote about. Your metaphor for just staying on the road of life is also spot on. After one of my life changing events had occurred years ago, I sought out a wise, deep person to help me make sense of what had just happened and now that it had my attention, what message or insight was I to take away from the harrowing experience? After weeks of exploration it became clear that I just needed to stay in the boat while in the river of life, akin to your road analogy.
It seemed for me that I was always getting enamored by the side tributaries that flowed out from the river. “Where does that go? What’s that on the shore I need to go investigate? Well that looks more interesting than this boat!” And so on. Each and every time it seemed my leaving the boat, the river itself, caused large life altering moments, thus changing the course of my life while adding another notch on my belt of wisdom. The hard way.
The takeaway? Stay in the damn boat and enjoy the scenery. The river, my river, will take me where I need to go, thus also allowing me to ‘be here now.’ I still effort at times, yet now in my late 60’s, it has got easier to just let it all be, cause ya know what? The creeks and tributaries that invariably flow into the river all bring the the new, unique experiences and insights without leaving the boat.
The comedy in it all is the assumed hard part of staying in ‘my’ boat in the river if life is actually the easiest thing one can do. Just sit back and enjoy the ride and get out of my own way.
Good stuff that you now have this awareness and insight.